Life lesson of the day:

When a middle-aged homeless man named "Jesus" asks permission to "bless you," 

ask a few follow-up questions before you consent.

Life lessons learned at Institute...

•            You really should stick to pots and pans when choosing a receptacle in which to boil water.  There may come a time when you really need boiling water to soften your mouth guard and you may briefly consider pulling two empty glass beer bottles out of the recycling bin, filling them with water, and placing them on your electric stove.  Resist. This. Urge.   Apparently glass beer bottles aren’t exactly “multipurpose” containers… something about being unable to withstand intense heat.  Anyway…. If you’re not careful, you may have to duck down behind your kitchen counter to avoid the shards of glass flying toward you after beer bottle #1 has exploded only to later set your bath towel on fire while frenetically attempting to save beer bottle #2 from a similar fate.  Hypothetically.
•            Your body, like a beer bottle, also expands in the heat.   This is why you shouldn’t assume that a roll of heavy-duty duct tape that fits easily above your elbow in an air-conditioned room will slide off just as easily after you have been moving loads of chart paper in the heat for several minutes.  As a matter of fact, you may not even realize just how much larger that part of your body  has become until you look down and see that said roll of tape is actually cutting off all circulation to your forearm.  It will require 30 minutes, scissors, soap, water, and at least one person with strong fingernails to free you at that point – but you will walk away from the situation with all extremities intact.
•       Organic deodorant does not work.  Not even a little bit.  After you have spent several days marching around a predominantly un-air conditioned Philadelphia public school smelling like a particularly foul type of apricot, you will revert back to whatever cancer-causing, environment-destroying brand name deodorant the masses use.
•       5 Hour Energy drinks have not been approved by the FDA.  Ingesting two of them per day everyday for 5 weeks is risky at best.  That being said, if you don’t mind potentially giving birth to flipper children or glowing in the dark by the age of 45, there really is no better way to fight off crippling exhaustion when a half-hour nap is simply not feasible.

Life lesson of the day:

When Outlook spell check pops up, be careful what you click.

Otherwise, when emailing a client named Evangelia, 

you might accidentally change her name to Evangelical... and call her that...

 multiple times... 

in the same email.

Life lesson of the day:

If you want to capture a photo of a strange-looking man on the bus with your camera phone, try to look like you're texting when you're actually taking his picture.

...unfortunately, forgetting to turn the flash off of your phone will ruin this little ruse and lead to an awkward encounter with the aforementioned strange-looking man instead.

Life lesson of the day:

Don't ask the person interviewing you for a job

if they're pregnant because they're 

"wearing a pregnant girl dress."

Life lesson of the day:

When the delivery man consistently

includes two sets of chopsticks

in your order for one,

it's time to reconsider

your sushi consumption.

Life lesson of the day:

If you do not own a toaster and want to cook a Poptart,

you should not set the aforementioned tart on foil

and the oven on broil

and assume it will be safe to touch with your bare hands

in a mere three minutes.

On the other hand,

if you want to develop 
an enormous blister

on the tip of your pointer finger,

follow those exact steps.

And be sure to touch the frosting.

Life lesson of the day:

If the Chinatown bus you are riding is named 
"Double Happiness", 

you shouldn't expect happiness - 

even in its singular form.  

As a matter of fact, you may just find yourself 

double crowded 

by a doubled over snoring man

with a double chin

who should have purchased

a double seat.

Next time, you should just pay double fare and ride the Amtrak.

Life lesson of the day:

When you plan to leave your clients a series of very important
voicemails prior to a major deadline, check to make sure that your headset isn't muted.

It is preferable that you check this at the beginning of the day.  
Rather than at the end.  

After you've made all your calls.

Life lesson of the day:

The details matter.

Especially when those details are the height & weight stats

on your driver's license.

Fact: According to standard measurements, I am

5'10" and 160 lbs.

(excluding November & December when one of those numbers changes significantly... I'll let you decide which one...)

Fact: According to my driver's license, I am

5'0"... and 160 lbs.

One errant keystroke transformed me from a relatively proportional giant to

an obese midget under the law.

Which brings me to the bonus life lesson of the day:

The DMV sucks.

Life lesson of the day:

When Snowpocalypse has trapped you into your home for 3 days straight,

and you find that you have run out of toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, and tissues...

it's time to "get creative" with the coffee filters.

And, yes, that's exactly what I mean.

(Thanks to the anonymous friend who shared this story

and allowed me to avoid learning this particular

life lesson myself...)

Life lesson of the day:

If you're a person that tends to sing aloud absentmindedly when you listen to music, headphones at work may not be the best idea. This is especially true if the once-vacant cubicle next to yours is now occupied by an 18-year-old male intern and you recently added The Flight of the Conchords to your iTunes library.

An off-key rendition of "Bad Romance" would have been far less damning than this:

Life lesson of the day:

If you can't walk in high heels on carpet, you shouldn't walk in high heels on ice.

"Gripping of the thighs," eh? I always just assumed I was a praying mantis in a former life...

Life lesson of the day:

When arranging your cabinet space, do not place the nasal spray (with the long narrow tip) directly beside the super glue (also with a long narrow tip) - especially if you happen to wear contact lenses.