Thursday, October 28, 2010

Quote of the day:

Sister Mary Fitzpatrick
 while attempting to read an email 
from a high school student:
"JK??  What does that mean?
 ...Jesus knows?"

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

When a middle-aged homeless man named "Jesus" asks permission to "bless you," 
ask a few follow-up questions before you consent.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Life lessons learned at Institute...

  •            You really should stick to pots and pans when choosing a receptacle in which to boil water.  There may come a time when you really need boiling water to soften your mouth guard and you may briefly consider pulling two empty glass beer bottles out of the recycling bin, filling them with water, and placing them on your electric stove.  Resist. This. Urge.   Apparently glass beer bottles aren’t exactly “multipurpose” containers… something about being unable to withstand intense heat.  Anyway…. If you’re not careful, you may have to duck down behind your kitchen counter to avoid the shards of glass flying toward you after beer bottle #1 has exploded only to later set your bath towel on fire while frenetically attempting to save beer bottle #2 from a similar fate.  Hypothetically.
  •            Your body, like a beer bottle, also expands in the heat.   This is why you shouldn’t assume that a roll of heavy-duty duct tape that fits easily above your elbow in an air-conditioned room will slide off just as easily after you have been moving loads of chart paper in the heat for several minutes.  As a matter of fact, you may not even realize just how much larger that part of your body  has become until you look down and see that said roll of tape is actually cutting off all circulation to your forearm.  It will require 30 minutes, scissors, soap, water, and at least one person with strong fingernails to free you at that point – but you will walk away from the situation with all extremities intact.
  •       Organic deodorant does not work.  Not even a little bit.  After you have spent several days marching around a predominantly un-air conditioned Philadelphia public school smelling like a particularly foul type of apricot, you will revert back to whatever cancer-causing, environment-destroying brand name deodorant the masses use.
  •       5 Hour Energy drinks have not been approved by the FDA.  Ingesting two of them per day everyday for 5 weeks is risky at best.  That being said, if you don’t mind potentially giving birth to flipper children or glowing in the dark by the age of 45, there really is no better way to fight off crippling exhaustion when a half-hour nap is simply not feasible.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quote of the day:

Woman screaming at her husband 
as they enter a parking lot:
"Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds 
does NOT mean they want to race you!"

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Quote of the day:

This morning on my way to work,
my Middle Eastern cab driver 
got stuck behind a 
slow-driving, constantly-braking SUV.
In frustration, he raised his fist in the air and shouted,
"He's killing me!
He's killing me softly with his stops!"

Best imaginable start to the day.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

When Outlook spell check pops up, be careful what you click.

Otherwise, when emailing a client named Evangelia
you might accidentally change her name to Evangelical... and call her that...
 multiple times... 
in the same email.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

If you want to capture a photo of a strange-looking man on the bus with your camera phone, try to look like you're texting when you're actually taking his picture.

...unfortunately, forgetting to turn the flash off of your phone will ruin this little ruse and lead to an awkward encounter with the aforementioned strange-looking man instead.


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