Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

Don't ask the person interviewing you for a job
if they're pregnant because they're 
"wearing a pregnant girl dress."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Quote of the day:

"You're probably still sleeping now since I received a voicemail from you at 4am. 
You were playing the harmonica.
- Message from my manager at noon

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Quote of the day:

Overheard on 14th St:
"Dude, I'm going to an Ambien party.  What should I bring?"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Telemarketers: Part One

What’s worse than a chatty seatmate when you're taking the red-eye?  Discovering that telemarketers have somehow acquired your cell phone number.  They call.  Constantly.  Making so many different offers that you can’t even keep them straight.  I’m starting to feel like Tiger Woods.  (Rimshot! Anyone?)  Anyway, I’m not really sure how I became such a hot item for these companies.  What about “nonprofit worker” and “public school teacher” screams high-roller?  Maybe the economy is just so bad that the $237.42 in my checking account makes me a modern-day Diddy. Who’s to say?  All I know is that I am longing to reclaim my anonymity.

Well... I was.  That was before today.  You see, this morning I realized something: as miserable as I feel on the receiving end of their calls, they must feel even more miserable making them.  I mean, imagine sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours a day calling strangers who will, more often than not, cut you off, hang you up, or curse you out.  It must be so… boring.  So predictable.

But not anymore.  Not on my watch.  There’s a new sheriff in town, ladies and gentlemen, and while she won’t be giving you the commission you so desperately crave, she will be giving you the next best thing: a story.  A story so ridiculously crazy that it will earn you your five minutes of fame at happy hour (because if anybody needs a stiff drink at the end of the day, it's telemarketers) and temporarily remove you from the eye-gouging misery that is your bland and purposeless life.

You. Are. Welcome.

Updates to come…

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

When the delivery man consistently
includes two sets of chopsticks
in your order for one,
it's time to reconsider
your sushi consumption.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A modern-day Anne Frank

I was a big Anne Frank fan back in the day.  I read her diary.  I admired her courage.  I identified with many of her thoughts and questions.  I did not, however, expect to find myself sharing in her experiences many years down the road...

You see, there is nothing worse than an irritating roommate.  Coming home at the end of a long, hard day and finding yourself face-to-face with a person whose mere presence makes your face tick... well, it's not quite like being hunted by Nazis, but it may compel you to change your name and move to another country.  Some flee these horrid living situations by emigrating to libraries or friends' couches - and some, like Anne, just hide and pray they won't be found.

I was a hider in college.  After class, I would rejoice upon realizing that I had come home to an empty house... but I knew it wouldn't last.  At some point - maybe in five minutes, maybe in five hours - I would hear that familiar jangling of keys in the lock, followed by the creaking of floorboards outside by bedroom door, and, finally, the knock-knock-knocking of a narcissist with between one and  five painfully detailed stories that she could not wait to share with me.

Unless, of course, the door to my room happened to be closed.  And it happened to be dark underneath the door.  And the darkness happened to be completely silent.  On these occasions, those creaking floorboards would lead her to her own room and the soft murmur of inane cell phone chatter that followed signaled my freedom.  I had been spared the misery of hearing about her day.

Granted, I only know these things, because I happened to be in my room the entire time... in the dark... motionless... silent.  With my phone off and my headphones in, I'd watch movies on my laptop, avoiding anything too funny or too scary - one muffled giggle or quiet gasp could have brought down the entire operation.  I also single-handedly disproved Maslow's "hierarchy of needs" theory as I would wait until 10:30pm to creep into the kitchen and snatch my dinner.  Even then, I chose stealthy foods - like pudding and oatmeal.  Chips and carrots drew far too much attention to themselves.  Years from now, you will find me in adult diapers since I have inevitably damaged my intestinal tract by "holding it" for hours upon hours - afraid to tiptop across the house until I was completely sure the coast was clear.  I don't care what Maslow says: no physiological need could trump my desire to be left the hell alone.
So, to all you modern-day Anne Franks out there: stay strong.  I may not understand what it's like to be hiding from someone who wants to kill you... but I know all-too-well what it's like to hide from someone who makes you want to kill yourself.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Life lesson of the day:

If you do not own a toaster and want to cook a Poptart,
you should not set the aforementioned tart on foil
and the oven on broil
and assume it will be safe to touch with your bare hands
in a mere three minutes.

On the other hand,
if you want to develop 
an enormous blister
on the tip of your pointer finger,
follow those exact steps.

And be sure to touch the frosting.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Quote(s) of the day:

A postal worker to me:
"You can't put a UPS sticker
on a FedEx bag
and drop it off
at the Post Office."

A co-worker to me:
"I want to kidnap you and keep you in a glass box in my room
all the time so I can just watch you."

(Side note: Am doing my best to laugh about this last one... because, well, it is actually quite terrifying.)

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